Kaliningrad.0 (Day 0, from the archive)

You may have filed into ancient history that I made an idiosyncratic trip to Kaliningrad, Russia in an attempt to discover a little more about where my grandmother was from. My european friends who have studied history, political science or russia were thrilled! jealous! curious! It was a chance to venture into Russia’s wild west. Not quite frontier, but still an outpost. Where smuggling and money rule over law. Ahhh Kaliningrad Oblast, wedged into a Baltic shorefront between EU countries, yet still so…so far from Europe. And I thought I had drempels in Rotterdam.

see that unlabeled space incubating between eu (poland) and eu (lithuania)? uh huh

Kaliningrad Oblast, is a Russian region of a size smaller than Swaziland, but bigger than East Timor. Er…. smaller than Hawaii, but bigger than Connecticut. It was wrested from the Germans after victory in 1945, when it was known as Konigsberg. Lest anyone forget, Victory Day signs loomed large like memories of Russia’s past, full of stars, all over … Victory Square! Where else? (Everywhere else, actually.) But I’m getting ahead of myself.  The City (capital of region) of Kaliningrad was once a rich capital built upon layers of urbanity laid down by Teutonic nights, prussians, poles, germans, and all the trading ships that took haven here from the Baltic. Perhaps its most famous claims are the birthplace and lifelong home of Immanuel Kant, along with the 14th century Konigsberg cathedral that hosts his tomb.

seriously cool

yes you kan, immanuel's tomb

Old world architecture, in modern-world ex-soviet Russia

Today, however, the place is thoroughly Russian. But it has a unique history among its kind which shows through in its hanseatic architecture, prussian relics, and legacy of german language. Plenty of germans (plus some poles and swedes) come there to do “business.” Most service people speak german as a second language. Thus, where I see Soviet scars, Moscovites see novelty. And a vacation spot. That’s absurd! Who the hell would come HERE on vacation?

who the hell would come HERE??

Kaliningrad Oblast contains 90% of the world’s extractable amber – which is reputed to wash up on the baltic shores. I didn’t find any. As a special economic zone, Kgrad also manufactures 1/3 of Russia’s televisions and has Hummer and BMW plants. (Buy local! The humming on the streets doesn’t seem so ostentatious anymore.) Baltiysk, the port, is the only Baltic port that remains free of ice during the winter. Thus a heavy naval installation there. And also nuclear warheads.

without k-grad, would we ever know the pleasure of the rare googly-eyed amber porcupine??

….So if this blog is about all my hiccups and missteps in foreign lands, then damn! I picked the place!

consulate, the hague, netherlands

The first drempel was of course before even leaving: the consulate. A warm russian greeting awaits any visitor…but only after a long, cold wait in a slow, unmoving queue..outside. I kid you not the doorman wordlessly shut the door in a mother’s face, leaving her and baby out in the cold with the rest of us schlumps. It was only upon entering, after 45 minutes outside, that I realized how cuddly the sidewalk could be.  Do I even need to go into the details of how painfully bureaucratic this purgatory was?? Maybe it’s hyperbole, but it felt like the first way-station between hell and ANYWHERE west of it.

Actually, after getting the special form for Americans, my guy behind the bulletproof glass was pretty helpful. He even smiled! Just kidding. He gave me the ok to pay at about 11:30. And payment goes to another bulletproof window…with a queue longer than a ballistic missile. And THAT window closes at 12:30. In my 1 hour and 15 minutes of waiting (they worked OT today), 2 people paid. TWO!!! Just to give money! Thats an average of 37.5 minutes per payment!! I came back 3 days later, had the door shut in my face, earned my deserved spot inside finally, and waited …to finally understand what happens in those 37 minutes of awe: computer check, other computer check, photocopy, cut paper with scissors in 3 places, stamp each piece, photocopy each piece, collate each piece, accept payment, print receipt, photocopy receipt with passport, computer check again, other computer check again, stamp, glue, cut, paste. … etc. etc.. etc.. The biggest exercise in kindergarten skills I’ve seen in 25 years! I guess the 400% American premium over Europeans does not go to express service.

But I got it!! Just in time for the train!
First….off to Berlin!!

riding rails to berlin